Hmph!

If you haven't heard, We are expecting #2. Shock, yes. Unplanned, You bet. A little stressful, Of course!

I wasn't feeling great, and was craving bizarre food so Nate jokingly suggested I may be pregnant. At first I laughed it all off. I mean come on, I am nursing and on the pill. It took fertility drugs to get Elijah. There is no way, right?? Well the doubt slowly sunk in, until about 9am the next morning when I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself, Go to the store. It will be negative and then you can put this silly pregnancy idea to rest. Nate said maybe we'll try after deployment, we will try then. hahahaha not even the full 10 minutes, not even 1 full minute and I was staring at 2 lines. I didn't beleive it at first, I checked and double checked and re-read all directions. Sure enough, it was positive. I called Nate, who at first thought I was playing a trick. I think when I started to get irritated with him he figured it out. We made an appointment immediately to go to the lab and have them confirm. Yep, they called about an hour later "Mrs. Kyser you are expecting. You need to call up to OB".


Now, This being a shock at first I cried a little thinking about it all. Elijah is just 5 months old. Nate is getting ready to deploy and honestly this is WAY faster than we expected. How is it we had to try so hard with Elijah and this one just happens? After an hour or two I told myself although we could look at all the negatives and hows what is the point. This baby is coming, and is a gift. All babies are gifts. I know it is going to be hard, and feel impossible, but I can do it.

That being said, I think I've been blaming allot on the "Pregnancy Hormones" but I don't think it is the culprit at all. I think it is stress. Anyone who has had to plan for a deployment knows from about a month prior to NTC and on is nothing but stress. Deployment rumors, and horror stories, fears, doubts and insane amounts of resentment (I will admit it) all weigh in on you also. Then there is the moving. Since we are pregnant we qualify for a 3 bedroom now, And the move is supposed to happen in 2-4 months. Not to mention there is a trip to Ohio to plan, OB appointments, and my work (It is failing terribly by the way). I guess I am at a place right now were I have so much stress and I am so emotional that everything and everyone immediately becomes a target. I don't even think its the move/pregnancy as much as another deployment. Ugh I would love to stomp, scream and cry and throw a fit but it wont do any good! I just feel helpless and unhappy. I don't want to do this. I keep picturing him getting on that bus again, and it makes me want to throw up and cry. I keep thinking about the "What ifs" and the long year I am in for. I guess also it is frustrating because I don't have many friends here to begin with and the ones I have are getting their husbands back within the next few months. The entire time Nate is gone all my friends will have their husbands home. That is going to be tough. I don't feel like I have many friends to just talk to out here. I feel like I am the one everyone vents too, and when I need to vent or cry no one is there. Then I end up resenting everyone for it. I mean I know I have my family, but I would kill for a best friend right now that is able to just hear me out and let me cry. I don't mind being a good listener for people but at some point it would be great to have the favor returned.

I think among all the things just listed I am so sick of hear "You are so strong". You know what I am not, I do it because I have too. I don't get a choice in any of it. The army didn't ask me what I wanted, its done. I don't feel strong, and I wish people were able to just see that I really feel pretty broken hearted and I am not strong. Hearing how "Strong" I am all the time just makes me feel worse when I am having a bad day, or a day were I need to vent. Then it makes me feel like I haven't lived up to something.

I feel frustrated I guess.Time to count blessings: I am so excited for this new baby, but at the same time I am completely lost and lonely. Such is life though. Good news is our new house is going to be brand new construction. The upstairs neighbors moved out. The military is going to move us, and the couple moving into #3 seem normal so far. Elijah is growing well and is so active.

And before it is asked of me: No I will not be completely moving home to Ohio during deployment. However I will be delivering baby 2 in Ohio. When Nate leaves I will be heading home (October/November) and having the baby. Then when the baby is about 6 weeks I will come back to KS. This way if I get bedrest, or have a bad delivery I have all my family to help me. I just don't want to move entirely there.