Hmph!

If you haven't heard, We are expecting #2. Shock, yes. Unplanned, You bet. A little stressful, Of course!

I wasn't feeling great, and was craving bizarre food so Nate jokingly suggested I may be pregnant. At first I laughed it all off. I mean come on, I am nursing and on the pill. It took fertility drugs to get Elijah. There is no way, right?? Well the doubt slowly sunk in, until about 9am the next morning when I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself, Go to the store. It will be negative and then you can put this silly pregnancy idea to rest. Nate said maybe we'll try after deployment, we will try then. hahahaha not even the full 10 minutes, not even 1 full minute and I was staring at 2 lines. I didn't beleive it at first, I checked and double checked and re-read all directions. Sure enough, it was positive. I called Nate, who at first thought I was playing a trick. I think when I started to get irritated with him he figured it out. We made an appointment immediately to go to the lab and have them confirm. Yep, they called about an hour later "Mrs. Kyser you are expecting. You need to call up to OB".


Now, This being a shock at first I cried a little thinking about it all. Elijah is just 5 months old. Nate is getting ready to deploy and honestly this is WAY faster than we expected. How is it we had to try so hard with Elijah and this one just happens? After an hour or two I told myself although we could look at all the negatives and hows what is the point. This baby is coming, and is a gift. All babies are gifts. I know it is going to be hard, and feel impossible, but I can do it.

That being said, I think I've been blaming allot on the "Pregnancy Hormones" but I don't think it is the culprit at all. I think it is stress. Anyone who has had to plan for a deployment knows from about a month prior to NTC and on is nothing but stress. Deployment rumors, and horror stories, fears, doubts and insane amounts of resentment (I will admit it) all weigh in on you also. Then there is the moving. Since we are pregnant we qualify for a 3 bedroom now, And the move is supposed to happen in 2-4 months. Not to mention there is a trip to Ohio to plan, OB appointments, and my work (It is failing terribly by the way). I guess I am at a place right now were I have so much stress and I am so emotional that everything and everyone immediately becomes a target. I don't even think its the move/pregnancy as much as another deployment. Ugh I would love to stomp, scream and cry and throw a fit but it wont do any good! I just feel helpless and unhappy. I don't want to do this. I keep picturing him getting on that bus again, and it makes me want to throw up and cry. I keep thinking about the "What ifs" and the long year I am in for. I guess also it is frustrating because I don't have many friends here to begin with and the ones I have are getting their husbands back within the next few months. The entire time Nate is gone all my friends will have their husbands home. That is going to be tough. I don't feel like I have many friends to just talk to out here. I feel like I am the one everyone vents too, and when I need to vent or cry no one is there. Then I end up resenting everyone for it. I mean I know I have my family, but I would kill for a best friend right now that is able to just hear me out and let me cry. I don't mind being a good listener for people but at some point it would be great to have the favor returned.

I think among all the things just listed I am so sick of hear "You are so strong". You know what I am not, I do it because I have too. I don't get a choice in any of it. The army didn't ask me what I wanted, its done. I don't feel strong, and I wish people were able to just see that I really feel pretty broken hearted and I am not strong. Hearing how "Strong" I am all the time just makes me feel worse when I am having a bad day, or a day were I need to vent. Then it makes me feel like I haven't lived up to something.

I feel frustrated I guess.Time to count blessings: I am so excited for this new baby, but at the same time I am completely lost and lonely. Such is life though. Good news is our new house is going to be brand new construction. The upstairs neighbors moved out. The military is going to move us, and the couple moving into #3 seem normal so far. Elijah is growing well and is so active.

And before it is asked of me: No I will not be completely moving home to Ohio during deployment. However I will be delivering baby 2 in Ohio. When Nate leaves I will be heading home (October/November) and having the baby. Then when the baby is about 6 weeks I will come back to KS. This way if I get bedrest, or have a bad delivery I have all my family to help me. I just don't want to move entirely there.

It is just my opinon folks!

So I post on a separate website often. It's intention is for all of us here at Ft. Riley to be able to vent, talk, ask for advice and so on with each other. Sometimes I get annoyed enough with something to write on there. Anyhow, I thought I would copy and paste the 2 biggest topics I have started lately.

Stay at Home Moms:

Okay so for those of you that have me as a friend on Facebook saw me go on a bit of a rampage last evening. My family, complete Strangers and some "friends" recently have been irritating me to the point of explosion. And I may have taken it out on Facebook nation.

It seems like whenever you get asked "What do you do for a living" it begins a nasty battle. I am a Stay At Home Mom, a PROUD stay at home Mom. I wear that badge as one of my best accomplishments. However the general public dosen't seem to always understand this. I get everything from "Oh so unemployed" - Okay so I am not getting paid in cash for my work, but I am getting paid in baby smiles and bonding time. Sure that wont pay a bill, but it fills my heart. I get from friends "Since you aren't doing anything anyway......" What makes you think I am not doing anything? I do lots and lots thanks! Or from FRG and other clubs "Well you have time to volunteer, you don't work and you have time".... Wrong!

I happen to have my son on a pretty rigid schedule and I have a clean home. I have dinners cooked, and activities planned. Why is it because I have chosen this path in life I am looked down upon? It isn't as though I am staying home and neglecting him, eating cake and watching TV. I am a very active part in my sons life. We keep very busy!

I guess the main thing that bothers me is that these people try and make you feel bad for it. I mean I obviously understand everyone has their own view on parenting. Everyone has their own styles, and preferences. I respect that, What I do not respect is someone trying to force their ways on me. I don't run up to every Mom and say "Disposable diapers, your horrible" or "You work, what a bad Mom" so why do people want to do that to me?! I don't tell anyone how to do things, they need to not tell me how to do things also.

Another important thing to keep in mind is daycare isn't cheep out here. I would end up giving my entire check to someone to watch Elijah so I can work. Literally. I have priced daycare. I think I would bring home $50 and that is it. What's the point in missing out on EVERYTHING for $50?

My Second topic was about planned pregnancy to avoid a deployment:

There is something bothering me, and as an adult I would like to have a calm and intelligent discussion about it. I'm really hoping that it happens, and that this dosen't turn into a huge dramatic mess like things have a habit of happening.

I have a friend who recently joined the army. I am pretty happy for her, except I was talking to her and I said "Is your new unit scheduled to deploy anytime soon?" She told me that she wasn't sure, but not that she'd heard. Then she said "It isn't like I'd deploy anyway, I would get pregnant to avoid it"

I kind of took a step back. I was pretty irritated about it, I wont lie. I was talking to my husband later about it and I said "I have very little respect for females that get pregnant to avoid a deployment". I was thinking about it more, trying to see all sides of it, and honestly the more I thought about it the more upset it made me. Not only are you bringing a life into the world based on a desire to NOT do something, but I feel its shamefully done.

I realize I have never gotten on that plane myself, so I can't say I know the feelings that go on. I have put my husband on a plane though, and I know that side. I can't say "I understand you are afraid" or anything along those lines. However I do feel like YOU signed a contract and joined a military knowing it was a time of war. If this is the first time the thought of a deployment has crossed your mind, well you didn't think joining through. I think its a breach of contract personally. I understand accidents do happen, but to intentionally plan to get pregnant to avoid something is just plain irresponsible (You are letting down your unit) and dishonest.

I got to thinking about it more also, because there are men that avoid a deployment by claiming to have this or that. I was thinking about how this is the female version of that. I guess I have no respect for anyone intentionally dodging deployment.

Now don't get me twisted, I understand there are legit things that keep you from deploying. I understand things happen and that you may not be 100% healthy. I am not knocking those people! If you are hurt, honestly hurt, this isn't my complaint. If you got pregnant on accident then okay. I guess I am saying if you are intentionally avoiding a deployment I have no respect for you. I guess it might sound mean, but that is how I feel. How do you feel??



So there were the opinions, and I guess I felt strongly enough about both topics to post here! LOL.

Ugh, I'm just going to stop promising that I will update this and we will assume that I will update when I update.

Anyway, Things are going well. My first Mothers day was Sunday. Great day! I told Nate its crazy how all last year I would say "This time next year you have to be nice to me". Haha! He was very nice though, and made me breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Plus he let me take a ton of naps. Sleep I think should be the automatic gift to any mother who is celebrating her first mothers day. Just saying :)

Other than that, We really don't have allot going on. Trying to make plans about going to Ohio (And budget so I can actually make the trip, Ugh I miss 2 incomes) and then trying to stay calm. Apparently some people (Female soldiers) we know are planning on gettting pregnant so they don't have to deploy. Don't even get me started about how repulsive I find this. Then he may switch Units before the deployment. Dates change all the time (Don't they always) and family from Michigan is wanting to meet up with us when we are home too. Headaches.

I posted a video to Facebook of Elijah feeding himself. Before you laugh, he really did manage to feed himself. That's right, my 4.5 month old is a genius. We were able to get out some of his 3-6 month clothing. Not much though. He is so small.

Well that was my condensed update, as I was eating while Elijah was sleeping and thought I'd update but thanks to the neighbors, Elijah is awake now. I cannot wait to move out of this place.

Maybe someday

I keep telling myself that eventually I will make it back to regular postings in this! I keep thinking "As the baby gets older maybe I will have time".....Wow can we say naive? I have absolutely had NO more time than I did 4 months ago. Of course I keep adding more things to my proverbial plate and this could be why. I happen to have a serious issue, as soon as I see free time in my days on a regular basis I cram something new into it. I started selling Mary Kay about 2 Months ago. It is going so slow I am questioning why I even did it. My team leader makes so much money that I thought "Hey that looks neat". I should have reminded myself that Nikki had experience is sales, and me, well I am a darn good waitress/carry-out girl. Nikki was a Realtor, then she sold Cars and then insurance. Nikki is the type of girl that can sell an Ice cube to a penguin in Antarctica at full price. She is just plain amazing. It seems like no matter how many sales, promotions and freebies I advertise I am just getting no were. She is supposed to help me out and teach me some sales tools so maybe I can get more business. Here is to hoping.

Nate and I started attending Church, And we really like it! We are going to First Christian Church in Junction City. I love it, and we are also doing some private Bible study with the pastor on Wednesday night. We are really getting into this, and even inviting friends. I like it, it makes me feel more at peace with everything. Ironically though it seems like if you tell people that you are going to Church the automatically assume something is wrong in your marriage or you're dying. Apparently you aren't to find Jesus without a traumatic event! I can say it has helped us not be so negative, but we definitely weren't going through anything terrible.

After a long talk with Nikki (She was my friend well before this Mary Kay stuff) I came to realize I have become incredibly complacent in my life style and this is what was killing my heart about Nate's job. I mean in reality, Nate has had it pretty easy since coming home from Iraq. He has been here 2 years, and only gone to 1 school at another post and been in the field maybe 3 times. He hasn't done anything like that in the past year. No wonder the idea of deployment/NTC makes me want to scream. I have gotten used to saying "I need you home" and him getting the day off. Recently that hasn't been happening and I've let it bother me. She snapped me back to reality with "Tina you were so strong, you did 15 months without a second thought, what happened?"................ It sent me into my search for the big girl panties.......... Seriously why was I being an obnoxious puddle of goo? I mean he is in the Army after all, DUH he is going someplace and hello I got 2 years with him, that is amazing for the Army. What is my problem? That isn't to say I am not afraid of the "What if's" and the fact that he'll leave just before Elijah turns 1 and will miss allot of really cool stuff that happens between one and two is sad, but I can do this. We have a video camera, and I have cameras and internet!

Elijah was 10 pounds 12 ounces last weight check. I was a little annoyed because when we had him in on the 7th his normal Dr. said as long as he was gaining we weren't going to worry about the numbers. The graph weight gain, so as long as the line went up he wasn't concerned about the rate. Well the 20th was his 4 month evaluation and it wasn't Dr. Meng. It was some other pediatrician we'd never seen before and he kept telling me how he was concerned about the weight and this that and another. I called Dr. Meng and he said no, don't be worried, and everything was fine. We did learn Elijah may have asthma or just really bad allergies. There isn't much they can do for diagnosis right now as he is too small, we just have to watch him. I think its allergies, I have the worst allergies myself!!

I went back to the Dr. on the 27th. I no longer have to worry about cervical cancer!!I think it will always be on my mind but he said I had 3 clear biopsy's and that I was good to go for a year. I went on the 28th to my regular Dr. for allergy medication. I was a little irritated when he said to me "Well nursing Mom's don't have many options, They do make Formula you know. I think you should switch anyway, 4 months is good enough"...... I know there are at least 2 allergy medications you can take while nursing #1 and #2 who are you to tell me what to do as far as nursing? I mean honestly it bothered me allot. I love nursing, and I think its one of the reasons I am so close to my son. I plan to continue until he can get cows milk. He does get a supplement feeding maybe twice a day, no more than 8 oz of formula a day. Mostly because I just can't keep up but the rice/oatmeal cereal has really helped that. Plus he has started juice. I have only tried Apple and Grape so far as I am easing into it. I want to spot allergies as quickly as possible. He was so so with Apple but he LOVED the Grape. This kid is a sucker for Grape. Obviously its very diluted but he loves it none the less.

Other than that we are just being the cute happy family, I uploaded some videos to Facebook and I send pictures there all the time. Hope everyone is well and they can check out the videos.